Wise Mind Communication
Communication is often a key issue that brings couples into therapy. When emotions are high, it can be quite difficult to remember to be responsive rather than reactive to your partner, and this reactivity can easily lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and breakdowns in trust. This is where wise mind thinking comes in.
Wise mind thinking is a concept introduced in DBT (or dialectical behavioral therapy) in which clients are taught to examine and respond to situations from both their rational and emotional mindsets, rather than just taking actions based upon just one means of framing the current problem. Wise mind thinking concepts can be applied not only to thought processes, but to communication skills as well to create a more well rounded response to tense conversations.
So how might wise mind thinking concepts be applied to a communication framework? Let’s say Matt and Katie are a couple that have been having an issue over Matt frequently arriving home late from work without communicating the need for tardiness to Katie. Katie is frustrated by this issue because she enjoys having dinner with Matt and has had to reheat dinner a number of times because dinner gets cold before Matt comes home. Katie has become very reactive to Matt’s late arrival and this situation will often escalate to the point where Katie becomes tearful and angry and accuses Matt of not caring about her. Matt then reacts to Katie’s display of frustration by becoming defensive and attempting to rationalize to Katie about why his job in sales is unpredictable and will frequently lead to tardiness. The evening generally ends up in an extended argument with both parties separating to have dinner alone after a cyclical conversation with no resolution.
In the above vignette, neither Matt nor Katie are exhibiting wise mind communication tactics. Katie is exhibiting more of an emotionally led conversation style, while Matt is exhibiting communication from a more rational style. Neither partner is recognizing the style that their partner is utilizing, and thus are not responding appropriately to one another’s needs. In this case, Matt can become more responsive to Katie by first validating her feelings while also explaining to her that his job is unpredictable and that he will not be able to home at the same time every evening. Katie can become more responsive to Matt by seeking to understand why his job leads to tardiness while still communicating how the tardiness makes her feel. Then the two can come to a resolution by taking Matt’s work needs into account, while still finding a solution that will allow them to eat together as Katie desires.
Wise mind thinking is a useful tool that can be applied to communication styles to reduce reactivity and improve responsiveness within relationships. Responsive communication patterns are useful for reducing conflict and improving intimacy over time. Approaching conversations from both a rational and emotional mindset can be helpful when it comes to problem solving and can allow couples to have a more open dialogue with one another in day to day conversations. This dynamic if used correctly and consistently will lead to happier and healthier relationships overall.
