Parentifying Behaviors
Parentification is a common term within the family therapy community which is used to describe the relationship between a parent and child in which the child is expected to provide emotional and practical support to the parent. This dynamic is unhealthy both for the parent and the child and generally results from family disruptions such as the death of a family member, divorce between the child’s primary parents, and/or significant mental health or substance abuse issues in one or both parents. Usually, but not always, this dynamic shows up between the oldest child and one parent in families where there is more than one child.
What does parentification look like practically? In families where at least one parent is parentifying at least one child, there is typically a breakdown in the power dynamic that usually exists between parents and their children. The child in a parentified relationship may get a final say in higher level family matters like which car the family should buy or how often the family should cook instead of eat out. Parentified children are also often subject to the confidences from their parents about subject matters that are age inappropriate or very personal to the parent. An example of this might be if a parent talks about their sex life with their child or talks about how their divorce has made them so depressed that they don’t want to leave the bed. Often, but not always, children in a parentified relationship with one parent may be encouraged to distance themselves from the other parent in order to become more enmeshed with the parentifying parent. The child in this dynamic is often turned to for support and assistance from the parentifying parent rather than the parentifying parent engaging with the other parent for this support.
So why is this a bad thing? Firstly, as previously stated, this relationship dynamic breaks down healthy family structures in which the parents are heads of the household. This can lead to disciplinary issues within all children in the household. Including the parentified child themselves. Secondly, children living under this dynamic are not mentally or emotionally equipped to handle adult issues as children and can suffer mental health issues themselves as a result of parentified relationships. Lastly, the parentifying parent is unable to develop the skills that they need to self soothe if they become reliant on their child as a confidant.
What can be done to avoid parentifying behaviors? The most important thing to keep in mind to avoid unhealthy relationships between parents and their children is to keep the natural power dynamic that exists within families where parents are at the top and children are below the parents. Give your children room to express themselves and provide opinions when appropriate, but help your child understand that all family decisions are ultimately up to the parents at the end of the day and not the children. Also, it is important to understand the line between expressing your emotions and displaying humanity to your children and providing them with information that is unnecessary or that they are unable to cope with. For example, telling your child you are having a hard day and are sad after your spouse passes away is ok. Telling your child you’ve thought of suicide after your spouse has passed away is not ok. Lastly, parents need to ensure that they have ample outside support from other adults when needed and are not reliant on their children for friendship, companionship, or support.
Parentification is a dangerous relationship dynamic that can negatively impact family members when it presents itself. If you are concerned that you or someone you know is engaging in this dynamic with their children, please seek professional support to avoid long term repercussions that often go hand in hand with this issue. Parenting can be challenging, but remember that as a parent you should always be the support for your children, and it should not be the other way around.
