More Than Love
“Love is all you need.” A well known lyric from my favorite band, The Beatles and a wonderful sentiment. Unfortunately The Beatles were wrong. Love is of course an essential part of a long term relationship, but you need much more than just love to make a relationship work long term. So if love isn’t all you need, what else is there?
Strong communication and conflict resolution skills are paramount to the success of long term relationships. Consistently negative interactions from a communication standpoint can quickly erode emotional intimacy and trust and are difficult to come back from. According to John Gottman of the Gottman Institute, positive and negative interactions work on a scale of 5:1, in which a couple needs to have five positive moments in order to repair one negative interaction. Positive communication skills include empathy, active listening, vulnerability, and unconditional positive regard. These skills are essential to repair work when faced with difficult relational interactions.
Additionally, aligned value systems are important for continued relational success. It is not necessary to align on all values, but you must share at least some core values with your long term partner in order to create continued harmony in the relationship. Examples of some core value systems include world views, political standpoints, spiritual belief systems, social ethics, financial responsibility, views on health and wellness, creative expression, relationship roles, and lifestyle preferences. If your values are frequently misaligned with your partner’s, challenges may arise in your relationship more often than not.
Personal growth is also an often overlooked element of successful long term relationships as well. Relationships require growth over time. Couples who do not grow together can easily grow apart. It is important to consistently take a self inventory of your thinking patterns and behaviors and make changes to those thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve you or your relationship. It is also crucial to note that what was working for you in previous relationships or even earlier on in your current relationship, may no longer serve you in your relationship as it is now. Growth and change are necessary both for personal and relational development.
While love is obviously very important when it comes to the success of long term relationships, unfortunately it is not all you need. Strong communication skills, aligned value systems, and personal growth are all vital to the development of a lasting relationship that will stand the test of time through any and all challenges that may arise.
