The Friendship Challenge
“Why is it so hard to make friends in this town?”
“It feels like a lot of my old friends have dropped off the face of the Earth! We just never talk anymore.”
“I’m so lonely.”
These are all statements that I hear frequently from clients who struggle with making and maintaining adult friendships. Typically, these clients feel like they are the anomaly when it comes to building and nurturing these kinds of relationships and that something must inevitably be wrong with them if they do not have either the quantity or quality of adult friendships that they would like to have. However, the challenge of creating and sustaining adult friendships is not at all uncommon, and many adults have difficulty building friendships that are meaningful to them during various stages of adulthood.
Why does it seem to be so much harder to have meaningful friendships as adults? A simplistic answer to this question is that time as an adult is in short supply, and it can be challenging to set aside the time needed to sustain a friendship when you have to juggle work, family, household responsibilities, and self care. Most of the time, friendships take a backseat to these other needs, and unfortunately, time is a key element to building healthy friendships.
Another challenge to sustaining meaningful friendships is personal growth. As we age, we grow and develop as individuals. This means that sometimes, for one reason or another, old friendships that once served a purpose in our lives no longer benefit us. It can be hard to lose a friend simply because you’ve grown apart, and this dynamic can sometimes discourage people from seeking new friendships.
So how can you get past some of the hurdles that come with adult friendships?
First, if you are seeking new friendships, you must be intentional about where you seek out these friendships. Find activities that you enjoy where you can meet new people who share your interest and commit to engaging in these activities often and around the same time each week. Some examples of activities which lend themselves to social engagement include university classes in an area of interest, group athletic classes, adult sports leagues, church socials, professional groups, volunteer organizations, and regular events put on by local businesses.
Second, re-engage in meaningful friendships that have dropped off. Sometimes, it can be challenging to put in the time and effort required to maintain a friendship, but if you find yourself missing your relationship with a specific person, be intentional about creating time with them. Also, don’t be afraid to be the first person to reach out even if it’s been a while since you’ve spoken to this person, because it could be that they’re thinking of you as well and are also afraid to reach out to you.
Finally, spread your circle as wide as you can. Try to build and maintain friendships in a variety of social settings. Work friends, childhood friends, college friends, neighbors, church friends, and online friends are all equally valid friendships and add value to your life in varying ways. It is also important to note that not every friend you make has to be your closest confidant. The relationship that you have with your friend from work who you go to grab coffee with once a week is just as valuable as your relationship with your childhood best friend.
Building a strong network of friends can be invaluable to maintaining positive social, emotional, and mental health. Become more intentional about putting time and effort into your adult friendships where you can, and remember to be gentle with yourself as you work towards building a stronger social support network.
