The Push Pull Problem

Oftentimes, in relationships, it can be hard to recognize how difficulties within your relationship originate. This can easily lead to blaming patterns of behavior when it comes to your partner or even yourself, which usually creates more conflict and more isolation within your relationship. This situation frequently contributes to a push/pull dynamic in which one partner tries every tactic to get closer and the other partner pulls away farther and farther. This scenario is ultimately not a partnership that feels validating, intimate, or safe for either partner in the relationship. 

So what can you do to change your part in this scenario if you find yourself caught in a push/pull dynamic with your partner? 

First, shift away from a self or other blaming mentality. Whatever issues arise should be treated as externalized problems that you and your partner are equally responsible for changing and not a me vs you issue. 

Second, approach your partner with the idea that both you and your partner have one another’s best interests at heart. Remember, your partner would like to have a fulfilling relationship just as much as you do. If this idea doesn’t fit into the behavior they are displaying to you in the moment, treat them with curiosity and inquire what is happening for them in that moment.

 Finally, respond to your partner’s needs with compassion and ask for your own needs clearly and respectfully. Respect for self and others is key to safety and intimacy within romantic relationships. 

These three big shifts to your thinking and behavior can begin to help you move away from a push/pull relationship and into a relationship that is more engaging and fulfilling overall.