Boundaries 101

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.  If you’ve ever been involved in therapy for any reason, it is highly likely boundaries have come up at some point during your sessions.   Boundaries are a necessary part of any relationship, regardless of whether or not that relationship is personal or professional, and are also essential in maintaining a healthy sense of self.  Boundary setting and boundary maintenance are difficult skills to learn and are unfortunately commonly not fully mastered until adulthood, if at all.  So what are some of the most important things to keep in mind about boundaries for newbies and experts alike?

To start with, boundaries must be first and foremost both self and other respecting.  What this means is to take into consideration both your own needs and the needs of those around you when setting boundaries.  Do not set boundaries that you think are impossible for others to meet or are not reflective of your needs and/or values.

Second, boundaries often come with some discomfort.  Just because you feel uncomfortable setting or maintaining a boundary, that does not automatically mean that the boundary is incorrect.  Additionally, if the person with whom you are setting or enforcing the boundary expresses discomfort with your boundary, that also does not mean that the boundary is incorrect.  Boundaries often create the need to become somewhat comfortable with discomfort.

Finally, boundaries need to be communicated clearly and concisely and will need to be reinforced regularly.  If you set a boundary with someone, do not automatically assume that they will follow through with or even understand your boundary correctly right away.  It is your responsibility to communicate your boundary effectively and to enforce that boundary as is appropriate through additional communication and/or actionable responses to boundary violations. 

Boundary setting and boundary maintenance are some of the most challenging interpersonal skills to develop and will take significant practice to master.  Boundaries are also, however, very rewarding for both your mental health and your relationships as a whole when done consistently and well.  Just keep the above tips in mind when starting your boundary setting journey, and you’ll be off to a great start no matter the challenge!