Bids for Connection
Gottman couples therapy is a therapeutic methodology for couples work that primarily focuses on building positive connections between couples while also reducing the amount of negative interactions between members of a couple. According to John Gottman, the founder of Gottman therapy, couples must have five positive interactions to counterbalance one negative experience. Seems like a lot, right? Well not really if you are aware of and appropriately respond to your partner’s bids for connection.
So what are bids for connection and how do they relate to building positive relationships? Bids for connection are daily prompts from your partner that indicate a desire for engagement with you. These cues can be verbal or nonverbal in nature and the way that these cues are responded to can either build or take away from feelings of connection within relationships.
Examples of potential bids within a relationship could be your partner putting their hand on your arm, your partner asking you to sit with them while they fold laundry, or your partner asking to spend time together after dinner. Recognizing these bids can sometimes be challenging, especially if they are not overt. Most people generally gravitate towards making similar bids time after time, however, so learning your partner’s specific style of bid making can be helpful with increasing your awareness of when they would like to connect.
When your partner makes a bid for connection, responding appropriately is key to keeping emotional intimacy between you. For example, if your partner asks you to have a cup of coffee with them out on the porch, recognize that as a chance for connection. Respond positively, even if you are unavailable for them either physically or emotionally at that specific time. Rather than saying “I can’t, I have to log on for work,” respond instead with “Thanks so much for thinking about me. I’d love to but I have to log in for work.” Another appropriate response to this bid could be delaying a connection time for later by saying “ I really need to log in for work right now, but are you available for lunch around noon?” Shifting your “no” to a more positive narrative can help your partner feel loved and understood when they are trying to make a connection with you.
Bids for connection are daily reminders to invest in your relationship and can be vital for maintaining positive relationships in the long term. If you struggle with recognizing or responding to your partner’s bids for connection, work directly with your partner to discuss typical bids and to discuss what would work best for them when it comes to your responses to those bids. Communication about specific ins and outs of your relationship can assist with building trust and communication skill sets needed to maintain long term relational satisfaction.
